08 Oct How to Reconnect with Our Teens
I hope this message finds you well and that you’re enjoying the cool October weather.
I’d like to take a moment to recap Brian Shiers‘ insightful Hold On To Your Kids workshop last week, based on the book by Dr. Gabor Maté and Dr. Gordon Neufeld.
If you haven’t had the chance to explore it, I highly recommend it!
You can also watch Brian’s video here, which captures the essence of the book so beautifully.
His presentation is rich in storytelling and detail, and my newsletter pales in comparison.
Hold On To Your Kids Digest
For those interested in exploring these ideas further, you can also access the Hold On To Your Kids digest, which Brian created.
Creating Moments That Matter
At the heart of the workshop was the idea that as parents, our most important task is to create moments that matter—small, intentional acts of connection that remind our teens they are seen, valued, and loved. These moments are important, especially as our teens grow and start to rely more on their friends for validation and support.
What is an Attachment Void?
Brian introduced the concept of “attachment voids.” These occur when our connection with our teens weakens, often because our interactions become centered around managing their behavior—reminding them to do chores, finish homework, or follow the rules.
As Brian shared:
If you notice that your parenting is mostly about reminding them to do stuff and correcting them, trying to control their behavior and get them to do what we want, you have an attachment void.
Tech-Free Zones
To fill this void, Brian emphasized creating intentional, tech-free zones in our daily routines. These zones give us an opportunity to engage without distractions and really connect with our teens. One simple but effective place for these moments is during car rides and family meals.
As Brian said:
So tech-free zones that are just bottom lines—no looking at the phone during car rides—because car rides are a great place where there's not so much face-to-face intensity, where we can actually connect and have conversations, of course, at meals.
These tech-free moments allow for natural, meaningful conversations to unfold, creating space for real connection without the interruptions of screens or technology.
Peer Orientation
Brian also explored the risks of “peer orientation,” a concept highlighted in Hold On To Your Kids. As teens begin to rely more heavily on their friends for emotional support and validation, they often miss out on the depth of love, care, and guidance that parents uniquely provide. Peer relationships, while important, cannot replace the unconditional love and stability that only we as parents can offer.
Brian reminded us of this through a quote from Gabor Maté:
If peers have replaced adults as the ones who matter the most, what’s missing in those peer relationships is going to have the most profound impact.
Missing in peer relationships are unconditional love, the desire to nurture, and the willingness to sacrifice for the growth of the other.
This insight resonated deeply with me and many of us in the workshop.
It’s a powerful reminder that while we might not always get it right, the most important thing is to continue showing up for our teens—creating those intentional, loving moments that help ground them emotionally.
Brian encouraged us to practice “surprise love bombs”—small, spontaneous moments of affection or connection. These small gestures, such as offering a kind word, a smile, or a quick hug, remind our teens that they are valued not just for what they do, but for who they are.
These little moments go a long way in building trust and security in the parent-teen relationship.
The Heart of Our Work as Parents
As Gabor Maté beautifully states:
The ultimate gift is to make a child feel invited to exist in our presence exactly as she is; to express our delight in her very being.
There are thousands of ways this invitation can be conveyed in gesture, in words, in symbols, and in actions.
The child must know that she is wanted, special, significant, valued, appreciated, missed, and enjoyed.
For children to fully receive this invitation, to believe it, and to be able to hold on to it, even when we are not with them physically, it needs to be genuine and unconditional.
This is the heart of our work as parents—creating moments that invite our teens to be themselves, knowing they are loved and accepted, no matter what.
Upcoming Mindfulness Event
We have a wonderful event to reconnect to ourselves and practice mindfulness together. Please join us for a Mindful Eating session with Natalie Bell at Little Beach House Malibu on October 16, 12 PM – 2:30 PM.
It’s a wonderful chance to slow down, create space for ourselves, and reflect on how we can deepen our connection with ourselves, our bodies, and in turn our teens.
Click here to register for the event.
Let’s practice together and continue building meaningful connections.
Wishing you love and light always,
Chair, Harvard-Westlake Mindfulness Club