Recently, I listened to a talk by Tara Brach, and one of the most impactful lessons she shared was the acronym WAIT, which stands for Why Am I Talking? This simple tool has completely changed the way I approach communication, especially with my family and other parents at Harvard-Westlake.

Whether it’s pausing before sending a text or email that could come across as too harsh, or reconsidering my words during a conversation with my children or spouse, WAIT helps me take a moment to reflect and realign my intentions. It’s a gentle reminder to communicate with kindness and connection rather than creating unnecessary distance.

Tara also spoke about how we often fall back into old communication habits—those well-worn patterns that don’t serve us. We may feel calm after practicing mindfulness or being in a quiet space, but once we re-enter the chaos of everyday life, it’s easy to slip back into defensiveness, avoidance, or even exaggeration.

She likened this to trick birthday candles that just won’t blow out, no matter how hard you try. The key is catching ourselves when this happens and using tools like WAIT to pause and choose a more thoughtful, mindful response.

The Little Lies We Tell: False Speech

Tara Brach also discussed false speech, those subtle “little lies” we tell in everyday interactions—whether it’s exaggerating our actions, leaving out important details, or presenting ourselves in a way that makes us look better. These actions often come from deep-rooted habits designed to protect ourselves or to gain approval from others.

She shared a fascinating example from the animal world: the garter snake. Male garter snakes emit feminine pheromones to trick other males into “hugging” them in a mating ball, a form of deception to warm themselves up. Once they’ve had enough, they stop emitting these pheromones and move on. Similarly, in our communication, we often engage in social camouflage—presenting a version of ourselves to get approval or to avoid discomfort. While this can work in the short term, it ultimately leads to disconnection and a lack of authenticity in our relationships.

Whether it’s in conversations with other parents, our children, or our significant other, the little deceptions—however minor—create distance. By practicing mindful communication, we open ourselves up to honesty and deeper, more meaningful relationships.

A Step-by-Step Guide to Mindful Communication with Family and Friends

1. Pause and Breathe: Before sending that text or speaking in a tense situation, take a breath. Just one deep breath can create the space you need to reflect before reacting.
2. Reflect on Your Intention: Ask yourself, “Why am I talking?” Are you communicating to connect, or are you reacting out of frustration, wanting to defend yourself, or seeking approval? This moment of reflection can help you communicate more thoughtfully with your child, spouse, or another parent.
3. Listen Fully (Or Re-Read Carefully): Whether in a conversation with your teen or in an email to another parent, focus entirely on what the other person is saying. If you’re writing, re-read your email from their perspective before sending it.
4. Practice Empathy: As Pema Chödrön reminds us, “We don’t set out to save the world. We set out to wonder how other people are doing and to reflect on how our actions affect other people’s hearts.” This applies to our children, our partners, and other parents—empathy helps foster deeper, more genuine connections.
5. Speak (or Write) with Intention: Use kind, clear, and direct language. If you’re tempted to exaggerate or hold back the truth to protect yourself, reconsider. Being open and truthful helps build trust and authenticity.
6. Stay Open to Feedback: Communication is a two-way process. Be open to hearing how others respond, especially your children or significant other, and create space for honest feedback.
7. Reframe When Necessary: If you catch yourself being defensive or your words come across more harshly than you intended, don’t hesitate to reframe your response. Taking the time to adjust your words can turn a potentially hurtful conversation into a productive and caring one.

The Power of Recognizing White Lies

Tara Brach’s reflections on white lies and false speech made me think about how often we engage in these subtle forms of deception, especially with our loved ones. These little lies, whether spoken to avoid conflict or to gain approval, can create distance in our closest relationships. Tara shared that deception has ancient roots in survival mechanisms, much like animals use camouflage. But in modern communication, this only prevents us from forming genuine connections.

Just like the garter snake, we sometimes deceive ourselves into thinking we need to protect our image or avoid discomfort. However, while these strategies might offer short-term relief, they ultimately lead to disconnection. Practicing mindful communication allows us to be more present and honest, deepening our relationships with our kids, partners, and fellow parents.

Why It Matters

As parents and partners, communication is at the heart of our relationships. Whether we’re managing busy schedules with other parents, navigating tough conversations with our children, or communicating with our significant other, how we engage shapes these relationships. Bringing mindfulness into our interactions fosters trust, clarity, and a sense of connection. Tools like WAIT can help us break free from reactive habits and create stronger, more meaningful bonds with those we care about.

Rewriting for Mindful Communication

In my own life, practicing WAIT has been invaluable when writing texts or emails, especially when my initial drafts might lean toward frustration or negativity. It’s so easy to let stress or impatience slip into our tone, which can unintentionally cause harm. By pausing and rewriting, and checking the tone of the email, I’m able to communicate with more care and clarity.

This practice has helped me maintain positive, productive relationships with my family and with fellow parents in the Harvard-Westlake community.

I look forward to seeing you at Brian Shiers’ workshop in November, which will focus on Mindful Communication!

Let’s practice these skills together!

Wishing you all the very best always,

RECOMMENDED WORKSHEET

Mindful Communication

This worksheet is designed to help you reflect on your communication habits and bring more mindfulness into your interactions with your family and community.